Other than using this as an excuse to try a new journal skin and update my 'mood' icon, life has been less than perfect as of late.

But that's how it's supposed to be, right?

All the love I'd held at the end of last year is now gone, leaving an aching void in its wake, and issues that already existed are preventing me from forming lasting attachments to people. I'm scared of myself in that respect. I don't want to lose people, but I'm afraid of them as well. What if they hurt me?

But that's how it's supposed to be, right?

I don't like waking up before the sun rises, and I've been doing a lot of that lately, exhausting my body and mind, and so I finally got sick here at school. I could definitely use a nice long nap, or a cure, or anything at all. When I get sick, it's usually the things that lay other people out for a week, so I should be grateful, shouldn't I? Well, I still wish that I never got sick at all.

But that's how it's supposed to be, right?

I can't have what I wanted this year, and in some ways that's okay with me. In some ways it makes me sad beyond belief and just makes me want to scream and cry and kick and curl up somewhere dark and warm and not make a sound until spring comes because that's when the sun comes back and wakes me up and sends me to sleep in regular intervals. When the dew starts dripping from the newly formed leaves and blades of grass to settle in the earth and make it smell new and revitalized. But all I get right now is the rain, falling from the sky in torrents, dragging the bright red leaves off of the trees to rot on the ground.

But that's how it's supposed to be, right?

I want to feel happy, but I'm a little lost at the moment.
It's how everything's supposed to be. Nothing's perfect, nothing lasts, nothing waits for you to just stumble upon it. I have to be patient now, even though it's this small agony that I have to pay, and wait for the spring, when maybe my heart will hear the call of the rain and the leaves and the gently warming air and decide that maybe it'll grow again.

Yes, that's how it's supposed to be. I hope...